#1

Here goes...

In having the pleasure or possibly, the displeasure of being a part of a few relationships I've learned things that I'm glad I know now at 22 rather than at 32. There are also things that I wish I never had to learn.

For instance:
I always hate when people talk about 'daddy issues', but truthfully my life has been ruled by that nonsense for way too long. I resented my father for not being a real daddy to me. I envied and even despised my friends who had both parents at home. I wanted a dad to be protective of me, to love me, to be proud of me, and even to punish me. I hated him because I felt like he left me out. In reality he was reckless and had who knows how many children and couldn't possibly have been a father to all of us. In reality none of us grew up with the loving, caring dad who was always there. The sad part is that it took feeling like I needed a man to fill that void until the age of 21 to come to the realization that I need to stop punishing this man and learn to love me and let God love me. I think I can truly say that today January 13, 2010, I am SO over the 'daddy issues'.

Because I've been so jaded in the past, I realize that now being single I get lonely but I'm extremely reluctant to be in a relationship with another person. I have met and am friends with amazing men who ordinarily I would give a chance, but I feel that I need to be overly careful that the next person I'm in a relationship with. I need to make sure I'm in it for the right reasons. I need to be sure that it's not out of convenience, it's not out of a desire to be cared for or even to feel 'complete'. [typing that left a bad taste in my mouth]

I do worry that being so apprehensive when it comes to future relationships may backfire. I don't want to miss out on the guy that I should spend the rest of my life with.[not soul-mate...that's a load of bull] At the same time, I feel that I need to continue with this singleness so that I'm completely comfortable JUST IN-CASE I never marry. I mean mommy did it, and she's amazing, so I can do it too, right?