#9

Since I'm Up...

I figured I might as well get some purging done.

This past two weeks or so have seemed so jam packed.
Between my internship, classes, and managing church and personal life everything really seems like a blur.

School: Overall I'm pleased with my progress and grades so far. I'm optimistic about the future. More than I have been in the past. I'm aiming for straight A's, Currently it seems as though nI may have a B in one class though but hopefully I can bring that up. The last few semesters have been a bit surreal to me. I've haven't been this stable academically in a while. It took me long enough to do it. I'll be graduating with my BSW 2 years after I should have. But God knows best. I resented the way things went, and if I could do it again I would change alot. But I realize now that many of the changes with my character, my attitude and my life in general would not have happened without it. It taught me a great deal.

I had more to write but I can't remember. So um... yea that's all folks!

#8

Growth and Enlightenment

Just had a strange uncomfortable conversation with the source of 89% of my pain, heartache, and stress for the last 2 years.
He wanted to apologize for his actions and for the way that I was treated.
I don't know if I appreciated it, in that, I was relieved or happy that he went out of his way to genuinely apologize or w/e. But I guess I somewhat respected him about an ounce more for acknowledging his crap and realizing why I decided to stay away from him.
He said something about us being friends and I told him truthfully that i'm not ready for that.
I'm really not. Will I ever be ready? Maybe not... i don't know.
[P.S he requested me on FB over 3-wks ago and he's still sitting there waiting for a reply.]

But I've definitely grown because in the past (considering the circumstances surrounding the issue of: he & I) this conversation would not have gone this well.
I'm pretty sure that I should be upset. I should hate him. I should want to ridicule him and chastise him. But 1) that's not who I am. 2) I'm better than that.

I thank God for really setting me straight. Knowing that my focus is not other people. My focus is on the prize.
At any other point in my life I probably would have taken this 'new leaf' as an opening to go back and get back into the relationship or jump back into a friendship but my motivation is no longer to obtain the approval of people men.

Sidebar: I'm so grateful for my relationship with BMor. I'm really thrilled to have met him. Before him I don't think I've ever been friends with a guy where both of us were attracted to each other and formed a friendship totally based on strictly getting to know each other and sharing God. It really made me appreciate the friend aspect of it. And without having experience a friendship like that also like the one with Mr. Jackson I don't know if I would have been prepared for Mr. Right West.

God's timing can't even begin to make sense to us simple humans.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end

#7

From the Diary of an Insomniac:

What's on my mind tonight?
Pure Randomosity

-I'm happy about my spiritual progress
  ~~> I love being able to better grasp what God's love and grace are all about. Moving from surface Christianity to being drowned in Him is the best thing I could have asked for.

-I hate that I get so complacent about some things...spiritually.
 ~~> I def. need be more disciplined about really spending QT in the word. Also when it comes to my private prayers. I feel like I subconsciously slacked off when I started to question whether my eagerness and new insight was merely being too proud and self-righteous. :-\ The devil is a liar...bottom line!

-I'm still in awe and disbelief about this new relationship
 ~~> Who would've guessed that I would be dating my best-friend of 14yrs? Apparently everyone except us. God's timing is SO not ours, it's always pure perfection. Simply Amazing!

-I miss Jamaica and my Fam.
 ~~> Pending my graduation the besties and myself need to plan a Jamaica getaway as well as a Cruise Vacay. 8-)

-I'm scared that my hair won't be the same.
 ~~> After this whole transition phase is done I worry if my natural hair will be as healthy and as great as it was pre-relaxer... circa 2002. I really hope so... if not that, then better.

-Why isn't it summer yet?
  ~~> No really, Why?

#6

Negatives about me:
- I worry about just about everything
- I get sad and don't know why or refuse to admit why
- I am an oversensitive girl who fights to be perceived as strong
- I get angry and frustrated when I don't know what else to do
- I have a tendency to pull away from people b/c

a) i don't want to burden them w/ my crap

b) i 'd rather be by myself and struggle through rather than admit defeat and ask for help

*just a few things*
**i figured i said i'd be 'naked' so might as well get it out in the open**