#3

"I'll respect you more if you hurt me with the truth rather than 'protect' me with a lie."

So I know I said it, but It really had me thinking. Why is it so hard for people to be honest?
I want people to be honest with me and I try to be very straight-forward and direct but I can honestly say that I'm not always honest with people.
Maybe it's an issue of fear, maybe we're just naturally pathological liars, I don't know.

Lack of honesty hinders communication.
For myself, there are many times that I've been upset with people and they have NO idea to this day.

I really do wonder how different all our relationships could/would be if we were all completely and absolutely honest with each other. [Tactful honesty of course : "your breath smells like horse manure vs. you might wanna brush more often" lol]

#2

So, for the *third* time I have attempted to sever ties with Kenny. This time will be successful. I have once again deleted him from my phone contacts. This time I deleted him and his friends and his brother and cousin from my facebook. I don't understand why I keep hanging on to this crap. Slowly rotting away and hurting over it. I don't hate him... but I don't like him either.

Recently, I repeated something to Shane that I heard from a Pastor (can't remember which one) about conviction. ::This is not verbatim:: He said that we need to be careful with feelings that we think are a result of us being convicted. Conviction which comes from God is purposed for change. God doesn't try to belittle us and demean us. He confronts us with our wrongs, etc but then the purpose of that is for us to turn to God and CHANGE. The devil on the other hand comes with condemnation masked as conviction. Condemnation is purposed for destruction. That is what the devil wants...to DESTROY us and our relationships with God. The devil "convicts" us of wrong doing and causes us to feel denigrated and insufficient. And even sometimes we even question God's love for us.

I say all that to talk about something Kenny said to me today. I was telling him that I hope he enjoys his life yadda yadda  & that I understand the type of person that he is and I was wrong for expecting him to be anything more than what he was and I said that I forgave him. He told me that I didn't forgive him because I'm allowing the past to predict my current and future reactions to him. And that it's my pride that's cutting him out of my life. Haha, that thing about pride is a shot at my fb status which mind you he has no idea about what I'm referring to.  But I thought about it and realized that that statement could have broken me to pieces in the fast. He also said to me that he was going to go cry because that's what I do to him. That again, could have made me feel resentful or remorseful and I probably would have apologized in the past. But I'm glad that I'm at the point in my life that I am proud to be selfish. I am quick to do what's best and for me and not risk damaging my physical, emotional, mental, and most importantly my spiritual state of being.

I poured myself out for this guy ...stupidly... but hey, now I know better.

#1

Here goes...

In having the pleasure or possibly, the displeasure of being a part of a few relationships I've learned things that I'm glad I know now at 22 rather than at 32. There are also things that I wish I never had to learn.

For instance:
I always hate when people talk about 'daddy issues', but truthfully my life has been ruled by that nonsense for way too long. I resented my father for not being a real daddy to me. I envied and even despised my friends who had both parents at home. I wanted a dad to be protective of me, to love me, to be proud of me, and even to punish me. I hated him because I felt like he left me out. In reality he was reckless and had who knows how many children and couldn't possibly have been a father to all of us. In reality none of us grew up with the loving, caring dad who was always there. The sad part is that it took feeling like I needed a man to fill that void until the age of 21 to come to the realization that I need to stop punishing this man and learn to love me and let God love me. I think I can truly say that today January 13, 2010, I am SO over the 'daddy issues'.

Because I've been so jaded in the past, I realize that now being single I get lonely but I'm extremely reluctant to be in a relationship with another person. I have met and am friends with amazing men who ordinarily I would give a chance, but I feel that I need to be overly careful that the next person I'm in a relationship with. I need to make sure I'm in it for the right reasons. I need to be sure that it's not out of convenience, it's not out of a desire to be cared for or even to feel 'complete'. [typing that left a bad taste in my mouth]

I do worry that being so apprehensive when it comes to future relationships may backfire. I don't want to miss out on the guy that I should spend the rest of my life with.[not soul-mate...that's a load of bull] At the same time, I feel that I need to continue with this singleness so that I'm completely comfortable JUST IN-CASE I never marry. I mean mommy did it, and she's amazing, so I can do it too, right?