#11

Ok, this is sort of embarrassing for me to admit... but the blog is called "Naked". smh

This is been my process the past few months:

Beginning:

1. Everybody(in my age group) and their ancestors have been getting married recently. 
2. I'm dating  courting my best friend of 14 years who I'm so blessed to have.
    a) With this comes:
         i) "so when are you guys getting married?"
         ii) "you guys should hurry up"

3. I'm a dumb girl who like wedding shows...which I know stay away from. (say yes to the dress, who's wedding, my fair wedding etc.)

In between:

1. My brain: "Maybe if I don't watch  those shows as much I'll be good". [lie]

2. I can handle this. It's just a phase.

Current:

1. I realize that it is NOT a phase. I do want to get married and nothing is wrong with that. [maybe sooner than I should but it is what it is.]

2. Not watching those shows is good  but not staying in the word and asking God to guard my heart and mind is not so good.

3. I want to be a spiritually sound woman for my husband. The way I look at it, if I'm not spiritually sound then my flesh is allowed to feel as if it's lacking something, in turn affecting my spiritual state of being. [if that makes sense] I've really been making some great strides (not to sound boastful) I'm getting better with patience, and with my Ecclesiastes 3:7b mindset. My hope and goal is to become a Proverbs 31 woman/wife who is a representation of the grace, love and compassion of our God.

4. Learning to stay in the word in any and every way possible. Praying more than I usually do. (Even if it's a little 'breath') Trusting God to order the steps that I take in every aspect of my life. 

*Tidbit* The whole marriage thing is probably a little more of a big deal to me because not so long ago I didn't think it would ever happen. I really gave up on men and in some ways myself. And it took literally the one amazingly good man in my life to set me straight. {Thank God for him} Then it turns out that he was the right man for me, not only the best friend I could ever ask for.

I guess at the end of the day ... basically I got my mind right. 

~Toodles~

#10

Since I'm in the process of shutting down my old blog. I've been going through and reading some old post and I'll be re-posting some of them here. Word to the wise: don't write things after 2am, you'll have many typos and spelling errors. smh
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YOU KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS??

...When people look at me and
1. assume that I hate food because I'm slim.
2. assume that I'm "lucky" because I'm skinny.
3. assume that because I'm skinny, I have no weight issues.

Newsflash: the issue is health not size!

I spent 2 years of high school drinking ensures with breakfast and dinner everyday. Ate snacks whenever I got a chance just in an attempt to gain weight... and guess what happened??? NOTHING.
I felt awful about myself because I wasn't "thick" or had curves. I wasn't a good enough (black/Jamaican)woman because I didn't have a huge butt and wide hips.

This was not just a natural feeling I had, this is what society perpetuates.

We tell people you need to lose weight, you're too fat... rather than you need to get healthy. Rather than focus on the well-being of another person we are stuck on how they might look. This "big" person could be in great shape, and incredibly fit.
We tell people you need some meat on your bones... rather than you need to get healthy.
Case in point, I'm slim, I gain weight at an extremely slow pace. I have pretty sedentary lifestyle and if i run up some steps I'm winded.

The goal should be to maintain a healthy body not to maintain a dress size.

#9

Since I'm Up...

I figured I might as well get some purging done.

This past two weeks or so have seemed so jam packed.
Between my internship, classes, and managing church and personal life everything really seems like a blur.

School: Overall I'm pleased with my progress and grades so far. I'm optimistic about the future. More than I have been in the past. I'm aiming for straight A's, Currently it seems as though nI may have a B in one class though but hopefully I can bring that up. The last few semesters have been a bit surreal to me. I've haven't been this stable academically in a while. It took me long enough to do it. I'll be graduating with my BSW 2 years after I should have. But God knows best. I resented the way things went, and if I could do it again I would change alot. But I realize now that many of the changes with my character, my attitude and my life in general would not have happened without it. It taught me a great deal.

I had more to write but I can't remember. So um... yea that's all folks!

#8

Growth and Enlightenment

Just had a strange uncomfortable conversation with the source of 89% of my pain, heartache, and stress for the last 2 years.
He wanted to apologize for his actions and for the way that I was treated.
I don't know if I appreciated it, in that, I was relieved or happy that he went out of his way to genuinely apologize or w/e. But I guess I somewhat respected him about an ounce more for acknowledging his crap and realizing why I decided to stay away from him.
He said something about us being friends and I told him truthfully that i'm not ready for that.
I'm really not. Will I ever be ready? Maybe not... i don't know.
[P.S he requested me on FB over 3-wks ago and he's still sitting there waiting for a reply.]

But I've definitely grown because in the past (considering the circumstances surrounding the issue of: he & I) this conversation would not have gone this well.
I'm pretty sure that I should be upset. I should hate him. I should want to ridicule him and chastise him. But 1) that's not who I am. 2) I'm better than that.

I thank God for really setting me straight. Knowing that my focus is not other people. My focus is on the prize.
At any other point in my life I probably would have taken this 'new leaf' as an opening to go back and get back into the relationship or jump back into a friendship but my motivation is no longer to obtain the approval of people men.

Sidebar: I'm so grateful for my relationship with BMor. I'm really thrilled to have met him. Before him I don't think I've ever been friends with a guy where both of us were attracted to each other and formed a friendship totally based on strictly getting to know each other and sharing God. It really made me appreciate the friend aspect of it. And without having experience a friendship like that also like the one with Mr. Jackson I don't know if I would have been prepared for Mr. Right West.

God's timing can't even begin to make sense to us simple humans.

Ecclesiastes 3:11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end

#7

From the Diary of an Insomniac:

What's on my mind tonight?
Pure Randomosity

-I'm happy about my spiritual progress
  ~~> I love being able to better grasp what God's love and grace are all about. Moving from surface Christianity to being drowned in Him is the best thing I could have asked for.

-I hate that I get so complacent about some things...spiritually.
 ~~> I def. need be more disciplined about really spending QT in the word. Also when it comes to my private prayers. I feel like I subconsciously slacked off when I started to question whether my eagerness and new insight was merely being too proud and self-righteous. :-\ The devil is a liar...bottom line!

-I'm still in awe and disbelief about this new relationship
 ~~> Who would've guessed that I would be dating my best-friend of 14yrs? Apparently everyone except us. God's timing is SO not ours, it's always pure perfection. Simply Amazing!

-I miss Jamaica and my Fam.
 ~~> Pending my graduation the besties and myself need to plan a Jamaica getaway as well as a Cruise Vacay. 8-)

-I'm scared that my hair won't be the same.
 ~~> After this whole transition phase is done I worry if my natural hair will be as healthy and as great as it was pre-relaxer... circa 2002. I really hope so... if not that, then better.

-Why isn't it summer yet?
  ~~> No really, Why?

#6

Negatives about me:
- I worry about just about everything
- I get sad and don't know why or refuse to admit why
- I am an oversensitive girl who fights to be perceived as strong
- I get angry and frustrated when I don't know what else to do
- I have a tendency to pull away from people b/c

a) i don't want to burden them w/ my crap

b) i 'd rather be by myself and struggle through rather than admit defeat and ask for help

*just a few things*
**i figured i said i'd be 'naked' so might as well get it out in the open**

#5

"I Love You" ...
is such a powerful phrase.
Just the thought of the feeling you get when HE (SHE) tells you that can take from feeling 'blah' to feeling unstoppable.

When you truly share that bond with another person, hearing that phrase and saying that phrase never gets tiring.

So then that leads me to wonder how much more amazing should we feel, when we read over and over again that God loves us?
How much more eager should we be to constantly tell God we love him and seek out his love by living for him?

No matter how strong our love for our significant other may be; the love of God outweighs it significantly.
If we can open our hearts to mere humans who without a doubt will fail, we should be breaking down walls and all barriers to open our hearts to God, who is completely infallible.

#4

Self Concept

There are two theories which refer to the way that our self concept is developed.
1) Reflected Appraisal = that is your self concept is shaped by perceptions based on the judgments of others [particularly if the individual holds significance]
2) Social Comparison = self concept is shaped by comparing self to others. [who is your reference group?]

I thought these were interesting theories because they are relevant and I reflected on how my self concept has changed for the better over the years.
I hope that I can use the things that I have learned about myself and my self worth to empower, comfort and teach my children.

Having a positive and realistic view of yourself is so important. It shapes so many aspects of your life. It affects relationships and careers.

I don't think it's a mistake that statistically it is said that people who think highly of themselves live more fulfilling lives. Even better, people who practice a religion live longer and more fulfilling lives. And maybe I'm just a little bias but I believe that if it was researched, people who are Christians would be at the high end of the spectrum.

To know God is to know Love. To be able to love God allows us to effectively love ourselves. Effectively loving ourselves allows us to actively love others...the way God taught us to.

#3

"I'll respect you more if you hurt me with the truth rather than 'protect' me with a lie."

So I know I said it, but It really had me thinking. Why is it so hard for people to be honest?
I want people to be honest with me and I try to be very straight-forward and direct but I can honestly say that I'm not always honest with people.
Maybe it's an issue of fear, maybe we're just naturally pathological liars, I don't know.

Lack of honesty hinders communication.
For myself, there are many times that I've been upset with people and they have NO idea to this day.

I really do wonder how different all our relationships could/would be if we were all completely and absolutely honest with each other. [Tactful honesty of course : "your breath smells like horse manure vs. you might wanna brush more often" lol]

#2

So, for the *third* time I have attempted to sever ties with Kenny. This time will be successful. I have once again deleted him from my phone contacts. This time I deleted him and his friends and his brother and cousin from my facebook. I don't understand why I keep hanging on to this crap. Slowly rotting away and hurting over it. I don't hate him... but I don't like him either.

Recently, I repeated something to Shane that I heard from a Pastor (can't remember which one) about conviction. ::This is not verbatim:: He said that we need to be careful with feelings that we think are a result of us being convicted. Conviction which comes from God is purposed for change. God doesn't try to belittle us and demean us. He confronts us with our wrongs, etc but then the purpose of that is for us to turn to God and CHANGE. The devil on the other hand comes with condemnation masked as conviction. Condemnation is purposed for destruction. That is what the devil wants...to DESTROY us and our relationships with God. The devil "convicts" us of wrong doing and causes us to feel denigrated and insufficient. And even sometimes we even question God's love for us.

I say all that to talk about something Kenny said to me today. I was telling him that I hope he enjoys his life yadda yadda  & that I understand the type of person that he is and I was wrong for expecting him to be anything more than what he was and I said that I forgave him. He told me that I didn't forgive him because I'm allowing the past to predict my current and future reactions to him. And that it's my pride that's cutting him out of my life. Haha, that thing about pride is a shot at my fb status which mind you he has no idea about what I'm referring to.  But I thought about it and realized that that statement could have broken me to pieces in the fast. He also said to me that he was going to go cry because that's what I do to him. That again, could have made me feel resentful or remorseful and I probably would have apologized in the past. But I'm glad that I'm at the point in my life that I am proud to be selfish. I am quick to do what's best and for me and not risk damaging my physical, emotional, mental, and most importantly my spiritual state of being.

I poured myself out for this guy ...stupidly... but hey, now I know better.

#1

Here goes...

In having the pleasure or possibly, the displeasure of being a part of a few relationships I've learned things that I'm glad I know now at 22 rather than at 32. There are also things that I wish I never had to learn.

For instance:
I always hate when people talk about 'daddy issues', but truthfully my life has been ruled by that nonsense for way too long. I resented my father for not being a real daddy to me. I envied and even despised my friends who had both parents at home. I wanted a dad to be protective of me, to love me, to be proud of me, and even to punish me. I hated him because I felt like he left me out. In reality he was reckless and had who knows how many children and couldn't possibly have been a father to all of us. In reality none of us grew up with the loving, caring dad who was always there. The sad part is that it took feeling like I needed a man to fill that void until the age of 21 to come to the realization that I need to stop punishing this man and learn to love me and let God love me. I think I can truly say that today January 13, 2010, I am SO over the 'daddy issues'.

Because I've been so jaded in the past, I realize that now being single I get lonely but I'm extremely reluctant to be in a relationship with another person. I have met and am friends with amazing men who ordinarily I would give a chance, but I feel that I need to be overly careful that the next person I'm in a relationship with. I need to make sure I'm in it for the right reasons. I need to be sure that it's not out of convenience, it's not out of a desire to be cared for or even to feel 'complete'. [typing that left a bad taste in my mouth]

I do worry that being so apprehensive when it comes to future relationships may backfire. I don't want to miss out on the guy that I should spend the rest of my life with.[not soul-mate...that's a load of bull] At the same time, I feel that I need to continue with this singleness so that I'm completely comfortable JUST IN-CASE I never marry. I mean mommy did it, and she's amazing, so I can do it too, right?